Turning the Truck, We're Bugged Too
It is so easy to judge - to evaluate someone else by numbers and expectations of what is normal. Worse yet even the manner we speak in as we fumble through a conversation can leave others not understanding or offended.
Six or eight years ago I had a friend at work who continually would poke at the number of children I had - as if it were way too many. He was much older and had four where I had five. My answers were never sufficient until I turned the question around and asked which of his children he'd give up.
He excused his family size saying that when he'd had his family society was different.
But he never again questioned me about the number of children I had, made comments about irresponsibility or conservation, or made jokes about helping me understand what caused pregnancy.
For anyone who questions inappropriately on this kind of subject I think turning the question around to them is the only answer - whether they are questioning a family size that is 'too large' or 'too small'. Turn the question around and help them see that they make (or will make) choices too that are just as personal to them.
There is no 'right number'. Regardless of how many your questioners have or plan to have the suggestion that they stopped/will stop at any given point because they "don't like kids" is offensive. (Obviously if they "liked" kids they'd just keep going forever. Like those mothers that have children at 60 or 70 using IVF.)
If you are less direct than I am you might instead simply ask them how they make their choices about family size, and then after their answer (probably it will include prayer) tell them, "Well, that's about how our choices were made too."
Pooka wants to put her two cents in also: People like that are wayyyy needing a time out. Or worse. Just line them all up and slap 'em. Duct tape on the mouth is another option.
Actually, what happened is one of Satan's worst ways of hacking Zion into pieces: to tempt brash or impolite or downright unkind people into saying things that build walls between children of God. Now I'll bet one of the reasons you're still bugged about that idiotic rudeness is that you're looking at everyone else in the ward, wondering, "Do they really like me after all, or are they judging my decisions like that other 'pretend-sister' does? It may well take a miracle to root out the poison of something like this, because I've been there too, Lady. Depression, months of depression is the end of that road. And for a while, Satan's won a foothold. Urgz.
Is there a way you can find to serve her?? My sister Pookums is here looking on as I write and she wants to tell you that service really works. When you think there's bad feelings between you and someone (or even if you're sure it's true), serving them helps you feel better. It might not change how they feel. It doesn't really matter. It's not for them that you serve them. And after you serve them you'll probably have to stop saying how horrible they are, and they wear their hair funny, and their kids are probably gonna rob banks....
then you can feel better about them.
Six or eight years ago I had a friend at work who continually would poke at the number of children I had - as if it were way too many. He was much older and had four where I had five. My answers were never sufficient until I turned the question around and asked which of his children he'd give up.
He excused his family size saying that when he'd had his family society was different.
But he never again questioned me about the number of children I had, made comments about irresponsibility or conservation, or made jokes about helping me understand what caused pregnancy.
For anyone who questions inappropriately on this kind of subject I think turning the question around to them is the only answer - whether they are questioning a family size that is 'too large' or 'too small'. Turn the question around and help them see that they make (or will make) choices too that are just as personal to them.
There is no 'right number'. Regardless of how many your questioners have or plan to have the suggestion that they stopped/will stop at any given point because they "don't like kids" is offensive. (Obviously if they "liked" kids they'd just keep going forever. Like those mothers that have children at 60 or 70 using IVF.)
If you are less direct than I am you might instead simply ask them how they make their choices about family size, and then after their answer (probably it will include prayer) tell them, "Well, that's about how our choices were made too."
Pooka wants to put her two cents in also: People like that are wayyyy needing a time out. Or worse. Just line them all up and slap 'em. Duct tape on the mouth is another option.
Actually, what happened is one of Satan's worst ways of hacking Zion into pieces: to tempt brash or impolite or downright unkind people into saying things that build walls between children of God. Now I'll bet one of the reasons you're still bugged about that idiotic rudeness is that you're looking at everyone else in the ward, wondering, "Do they really like me after all, or are they judging my decisions like that other 'pretend-sister' does? It may well take a miracle to root out the poison of something like this, because I've been there too, Lady. Depression, months of depression is the end of that road. And for a while, Satan's won a foothold. Urgz.
Is there a way you can find to serve her?? My sister Pookums is here looking on as I write and she wants to tell you that service really works. When you think there's bad feelings between you and someone (or even if you're sure it's true), serving them helps you feel better. It might not change how they feel. It doesn't really matter. It's not for them that you serve them. And after you serve them you'll probably have to stop saying how horrible they are, and they wear their hair funny, and their kids are probably gonna rob banks....
then you can feel better about them.
posted by Harvey at 9:50 PM
2 Comments:
Thanks for your thoughts and support.
Pooka, I think you are right about me looking at the rest of the ward and wondering...
So I was especially appreciative when two of the women in the ward, one with a new Beehive and one with a soon-to-be Beehive came to me and told me that they had been a little worried for their daughters. But then with my call to be the YW 2nd counselor, their fears were calmed and they knew their daughters were in good hands.
It's definitely a reminder to me about the power of words to build up and to tear down.
I hope it is ok that I leave a comment . . . Peanut is one of my favorite people of all time, and the H-family one of my all-time favorite families, for that matter.
In my circle of friends, our family of six is gargantuant. Unheard of, almost. When my third was a baby, and I told a friend that I wanted at least one more (and even today would still have more if my body were more cooperative) because I love the idea of a big, loving family, my friend said, "Yes, but can you gurantee that they will all get along?"
One friend said it's just not "the smart thing to do to have that many kids these days," after I found out I was pregnant with the fourth (and was ecstatic about it!).
Other said they would "Shoot themselves in the head" if they had that many kids, and yes, the comments about, "You all know how this happens, don't you?"
to the point that I've felt the need to make excuses (!!!!) for how many children I have!
I don't judge anyone for not having one or two children, so why am I judged for having four?
The point being, everyone is different and (hopefully) makes the best choices for their own families. I know Peanut and her love NOT ONLY for children, but for her husband and for those around her. That love will (and does) shine through wherever she goes and whatever she does, and she is a wonderful example.
I am sorry for judgemental and hurtful comments of others.
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